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Movie 43 is a disaster

Movie 43 is a pathetic and disgusting film; a complete waste of time. It lacks almost everything.  There is no well crafted dialogue, no enjoyable characters or laugh out loud moments. Instead there are shabby efforts to throw together various spinoffs of stupidity, staple it all together and call it a film. Nothing works, and everything gets ruined even further with bad acting, from actors who are usually compelling. Who’s to say Movie 43 is the worst movie ever? Right now you’d struggle to find a contender which comes close. Even “Jaws the Revenge” would look good next to it.

The disaster begins with a loopy screenwriter pitching his idea to a film executive. One can only guess what the man had been sniffing, smoking or drinking whilst writing the (alleged) comedy. From the moment Dennis Quaid first opens his mouth, the film goes into a rapid nosedive.

His first idea is a blind date. Beth (Kate Winslet) has the pleasure of dining with Davis (Hugh Jackman), who happens to have two testicles on his neck. No explanation is given as to why they happen to be there. Apparently audiences should crack up in fits of laughter. But they don’t.

After a bad beginning, the film carries on to become even stranger. Robert (Levi Schreiber) and Samantha (Naomi Watts) are conversing with a couple about their decision to home school their child. Homeschooling doesn’t just involve educating him though, according to them. No, it means bullying him, handing out unwarranted detentions and stimulating his first kiss.

After more random, disgusting scenes, the person I went to watch the film with, decided that laughing at Movie 43’s scummy storyline was the best way to make it through the misery of sitting through the film.

There’s an I-babe, a life sized music playing doll with a fan installed near her private parts. Apparently a lot of boys found this out the hard way. A young woman wants her man to “poop” on her. Batman ruins Robin’s Long and Sudeikis speed dating opportunities by rubbing superwoman up the wrong way. To make matters worse, a middle school girl has her first period in her boyfriend’s house; and rather than acting normally, she runs around in hysteria. Two flatmates (Knoxville and William Scott) get into trouble with some foul mouthed leprechauns. A man and women (Merchant and Berry) take truth or dare far too seriously. The largely overused joke about black people playing basketball better than white people finishes off the main roll of tape.

In between this pointless assembly of bad acting and hysterical antics, Charlie and studio executive Griffin make a trip to his manager’s office to sign off the movie. Seth McFarlane is there, wondering what on earth made him appear in such a film.

After the credits rolled for a while, one last skit appeared. For those of us who had chosen to remain for the entire film (and there weren’t many), the skit was not worth the wait. For five minutes, a cartoon cat gets jealous of its owner’s girlfriend. Yes, the scene was as stupid as it sounds.

The big question is: what actually made all these people want to appear in the worst film ever? Each A-list Actor comes and goes, without much happening. Each star puts on the worst performances of their career, scurrying off before they irreversibly ruin their credibility. Hopefully each and every actor is awarded a Razzie for taking part. The directors should not be spared either. Everything  failed, every joke was clichéd or simply unfunny, each scene had me cringing.

It still seems unreal. Real life studio executives and A list actors are actually willing to be part of a pathetic, half hearted films like this one. Some empathy should be given to aspiring screenwriters who actually write decent screenplays, yet cannot convince studios to buy them. Standards must be lower than anyone could’ve anticipated, to allow a film like Movie 43 to be made.

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